Fixing the NBA Playoffs

I didn’t write an NBA Bag on Thursday because I knew David Letterman was stepping down. I wrote an NBA Bag because I’ve been doing mailbags ever since I started writing this column in 1997 … and only because I loved Letterman’s “Viewer Mail” gimmick. So thanks for that, and thanks for everything else, David Letterman. If you hadn’t passed through my life in my formative years, I’d probably be doing something else for a living. And I like doing this. For the record, every NBA Bag has a 5,000-word limit, and you can submit your questions here. As always, these are actual emails from actual readers.
Q: It’s Wednesday afternoon. What’s that mean? Time for a Bill Simmons NBA mailbag! Since you had taken off last week I thought there was no way in hell you’d skip this week too. But after multiple checks throughout the day, what do I find? No mailbag! What were you doing all day, finger popping your [deleted]?
—Brayden O, Pittsburgh, PA
SG: Wednesday’s mailbag got bumped for the “Above the Rim” 20-year appreciation piece that I wrote with Rafe and Sharp. Besides, April 9 is Finger Popping Your [Deleted] Day, not April 2.
Q: WHERE IS THE BASKETALL MAILBAG [DELETED]
—Ric D, Brooklyn
SG: This guy was so angry, he couldn’t even spell “basketball” correctly.
Q: Hey [deleted], it’s April 3rd now and we’ve all gone over weeks without an NBA bag. It’s bad enough you skipped last week (for the Action Hero column), but now you can’t follow through on a promise for one on the 2nd? Yup, that’s our Simmons.
—Nathan, Lewiston
SG: Fine, fine. I won’t make the mistake of pushing Wednesday’s NBA Bag to Friday ever again. Heard you loud and clear. Look at all these deleteds! I don’t want to be known as a [deleted] finger-popping [deleted] [deleted] anymore. I’ll even throw in an extra thousand words free of charge.
Q: Did you see Mark Cuban fire shots at NFL’s possibly expanding 18-game schedule? Would the NBA would ever go nuclear and attack the NFL over concussions? Ads showing NFL players laying on the field unconscious with tag lines like “The NBA, our players actually remember their careers” and “The NBA, watch the top athletes in the world — guilt free.” They could also go the political attack ad route and flash quotes from former NFL players that blamed the league for their decline in mental health. Pro leagues have playfully disparaged other sports before in promoting their own league, but would the NBA ever go this far?
—Nick, Hamilton, ONT
SG: Kudos to Nick for coming up with my favorite idea of 2014 — the NBA spending $25 million on attack ads specifically to wound the NFL’s credibility and give the NBA a competitive advantage. But why stop at concussions and 18-game schedules? I’d throw in stuff like, “The NBA, Where We Don’t Replace Our Refs For 25 Percent Of The Season With Random Dudes Off The Street,” and, “The NBA, Where Our Players Don’t End Up Committing Crimes Every Other Week.”
Can all the Talented Weirdos Who Make Elaborately Weird YouTube Clips make attack ads and put “GRANTLAND NBA/NFL ATTACK ADS” in the subject heading so we can binge-watch them? Also, even if it’s beefing down, why can’t we go after baseball, too? What about ads pushing the NBA as America’s new pastime with messages like …
“The NBA — Our Games Don’t Take Four Freaking Hours To Play.”
“The NBA — The Sport To Watch If You’re Not A White Guy Over 50 Years Old Who Needs Help Getting An Erection.”
“The NBA — Our Best Players Don’t Get Suspended For Using PEDs … Because We Give Them A Crazy Amount Of Heads-Up For Every Drug Test, But Still.”
Q: Something we’re not talking about with Miggy Cabrera’s contract extension: Mike Ilitch is 85 years old. What does he care? He’s going to be dead by the time this goes bad. So what’s the age limit for owners, so we can’t have some octogenerian shouting “YOLO” and signing another Anna Nicole Smith contract?
—Ian, New York
SG: (Cut to the 89 remaining Milwaukee Bucks fans nodding glumly.)
Q: Is Joakim Noah the first “Point Center” in NBA history?
—Ed C., Chicago
SG: This guy wants a word with you.
(And really, Bill Russell was the first point center — when Bob Cousy retired in 1963, the Celtics retooled their offense around Russell’s passing because they didn’t have a pure point guard. In the six post-Cousy years, Russell averaged five assists during an era when assists counted only if the scorer caught the pass and immediately scored. During Boston’s next two title seasons in ’64 and ’65, Russell finished seventh and fifth in the NBA in assists per game. To put that in perspective, Joakim Noah is 26th right now. And by the way, this is like the 58th-most impressive thing about Bill Russell’s career. So … yeah. Bill Russell. Not good enough for LeBron James’s Mount Rushmore.)
Q: I never thought a player personifying his city like Allen Iverson did with Philadelphia could be matched but then Brandon Jennings signed in Detroit. Is there a new sheriff in town? I don’t know what to think anymore.
—Tyler, Burnsville, MN
SG: I spent the last 10 minutes trying to figure out this email. Was Tyler complimenting Jennings or insulting him? I better check Jennings’s monthly splits. Let’s see …
Before the All-Star Break: 17.6 PPG, 8.1 APG, 38% FG, 78% FT, 36.2 MPG
After the All-Star Break: 11.7 PPG, 7.3 APG, 36.6% FG, 63% FT, 30.3 MPG
Yup, he was insulting him. (Thinking.) Wait, you can’t insult the Motor City! How dare you! We’re only 10 days away from Detroit Week on Grantland! The guys from Kiss want a word with you.